Top 10 Most Metal Movies in History

Top ten lists are more ubiquitous on the internet than incels who live in their mother’s basements. But they’re also pretty fun, so let’s do this. These are in no particular order, as I believe they are all extremely metal in their own right.

I’m gonna start out the list with the film that inspired me to do it: Commando. I was watching this gem last night and was reflecting on the fact that the kill count in this movie has to be one of the highest in a traditional action movie that doesn’t have any fantasy or sci-fi elements. I was also impressed with the amount of dudes who died while gurgling/choking on their own blood. The Governator himself, Arnold Braunschweigher, I mean Schwarzenegger, also delivers some hilarious one-liners in this one. It might be the best dialogue in an Arnie movie, except for maybe Batman & Robin, which fully embraces the cheese. Another of the shining moments in this film is Rae Dawn Chong, Tommy Chong’s daughter, firing RPGs in the middle of a city street. I could go on and on about this movie, but suffice it to say that it’s very fun and definitely worth a watch, and the amount of carnage is metal as fuck.

Next up on the docket is one of my personal favorite movies of all time, which also happens to be metal af: Bloodsport. Perhaps the most metal thing about this film is that it is apparently partially based on the real life experiences of Frank Dux. I’m sure it is highly dramatized, as all Hollywood movies are, but it’s still pretty badass that Dux actually experienced something similar to the story told in the movie in real life. Besides that, the movie is just cool in general. One of the coolest things about it is that the fights portrayed in the film remind me of the stylistic matchups you would see in the early days of the UFC, i.e. capoeira versus karate, or Kung Fu versus Muay Thai kickboxing etc. Also, the character of Chong Li, played by the legendary Bolo Yeung, is one of the most metal characters in film history. He kills other fighters in the ring, he makes them beg for mercy, but he never actually grants them any mercy: the only dish served by Chong Li is cold, hard brutality. And the scene where Van Damme gets blinded by Chong Li is among the most iconic and memorable scenes in the history of martial arts movies. I give this one ten Van Damme roundhouse kicks out of ten.

Continuing right along, I’m gonna cheat a little bit with this entry, because for this one I’m just gonna say the whole Predator franchise. I could have easily just talked about the original film from 1987, because that one is definitely the best one, in my opinion. But each of the films in the series is metal in its own way, even the super cheesy and somewhat poorly executed AVP franchise. Plus, I really wanted to talk about what I’d argue is perhaps the most metal moment of the entire series: the time Danny Glover called the Predator a pussyface in Predator 2 (which should have been called Predator 2: Lost in L.A.). There’s nothing better than Danny Glover cursing, and the rest of the cast in that one was hilarious as well, especially Bill Paxton (Rest in Power) and Gary Busey. And any discussion of this franchise wouldn’t be complete without talking about the character played by Jesse “The Body” Ventura in the original film, Blain Cooper. With golden one-liners like “I ain’t got time to bleed” and “sexual tyrannosaurus”, that movie wouldn’t have been nearly as good without Ventura. A+

Considering the movies we’ve talked about thus far, you might be surprised by my next entry, and you might even say that I’ve gone off the rails with this pick, but hear me out. The next film that I would argue is definitely worthy of this list is Ralph Bakshi’s The Lord of the Rings from 1978. Obviously, I’m a huge LOTR nerd, but I don’t think the Peter Jackson films are truly metal enough for this list. But Bakshi’s version was extremely metal. The rotoscoping animation technique used in this film was creepy and unsettling, and the not quite human characters really had an uncanny valley feel to them. There are a lot of scenes I could point to in this film that are very metal, especially pretty much every scene that involved the ringwraiths/nazgul. But my personal favorite scene is when Saruman reveals himself to be…SARUMAN OF MANY COLORS!!!! If you’ve never seen this film, I’m just gonna include a link to this scene in the hopes that it will inspire you to watch it, because it’s fucking epic as hell. The scene as interpreted by Peter Jackson involved a bit of a dramatic “wizard’s duel”, which wasn’t actually in the book. But Bakshi’s interpretation involved a lot of cool swirling lights and colors, which I felt were more appropriate for the clash of wills between these two badass wizards. Highly recommended. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qqgPa33mXU&feature=youtu.be

My next pick is less controversial, because it would be difficult to argue against the badassery and metal-ness of this film. I’m talking about First Blood, the first entry in the hella gnarly Rambo franchise. Part of the impetus behind this pick is the fact that I’m extremely stoked to see the final entry in the series, appropriately titled Rambo: Last Blood, which is slated to drop in September. But let’s rewind back to 1982 and talk about that epic first film. The iconic line spoken by Rambo, “they drew first blood”, was metal enough to inspire San Francisco’s hardcore punk legends First Blood to name themselves after it. There are so many memorable and metal moments in this film, if you’ll excuse the alliteration. One that comes to mind is when Rambo goes on a rant about how he served in Vietnam only to come home to people spitting on him and calling him baby killer. “Who are they to protest me?!”. Who indeed, Rambo, who indeed?

I’m a huge fan of Japanese culture and Japanese art (let’s face it, I’m a weeb), so I feel like it would be extremely insulting not to include at least one film by the legendary Akira Kurosawa on this list. So we might as well put what is arguably one of his most iconic and influential films up on the podium: Seven Samurai. It’s hard to understate the impact that this film had on the industry or on society. I wonder if filmmakers like Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez would even exist in their current forms without Kurosawa paving the way with movies like Seven Samurai. As far as why I think this movie qualifies as METAL, it almost goes without saying. Samurai, in and of themselves, are metal as hell. If you can think of something more metal than a guy who carries around a sword, who lives by a code where dishonor requires him to take his own life, I’d like to hear about it. Toshiro Mifune is pretty much the quintessential Japanese badass, and just about everything he does in this film exudes metal. Modern audiences might find a hard time going back on watching films from this era, but I think you are doing a disservice to yourself if you don’t see this one.

While we’re on the topic of Japan, I think it’s time to go full weeb. I’m gonna bend the rules a bit again. I wanted to put at least one anime film on this list, but there are too many good ones to choose only one, so I’m just gonna lump several of them together for this entry. If you don’t like it, you can send me a DM, and we can arrange a time and place to meet up and suck each other’s dicks (zing!). Anyways, like I said, there are many great anime films that I could have chosen to talk about here. But I managed to narrow it down to four: Akira, Ninja Scroll, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, and Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie. I could probably write a ten page thesis on each of these and why they’re extremely epic. But I won’t waste your time. I’ll just say that in my opinion, the 80s and 90s were the golden age of anime, and you should watch all four of these movies. See for yourself why they’re all at the top of the ‘metal af’ anime pantheon. Even if you’re not a huge “anime person”, I think you’ll find something to like about each of these films, if you go into it with an open mind.

My next pick might be another controversial one, simply for the fact that it can be argued as being “bad”. It is pretty bad. But I don’t think being bad necessarily disqualifies a movie from being metal. In fact, I think this film is metal in many ways because of its badness. I’m talking about 1997’s Spawn. Among the cheesiest comic book films ever made, in an era when comic book films didn’t have one tenth the popularity that they do today, you might wonder why I think this film is metal. Even if you totally gloss over the pretty amazing lineup of artists on the soundtrack, a list that includes Marilyn Manson, Korn, Metallica, Slayer, and Tom Morello, there are plenty of other elements in this flim that I believe qualify as metal. The performances by Michael Jai White, John Leguizamo, and Nicol Williamson, who played Spawn, Violator, and Cogliostro respectively, were actually pretty good in my opinion. The CGI in this movie was notoriously laughable and hasn’t aged well, but the sheer comedy factor of it is pretty metal IMO. The thing that makes it overall a metal experience for me is how funny it is, even when it’s not trying to be. If you’re a fan of Spawn, the HBO animated series is actually extremely well done, so you should actually go watch that. But that’s a series, not a movie, so I could only talk about that as a footnote, but it’s definitely worth a watch if you like the Spawn comics at all.

Since I mentioned Robert Rodriguez earlier, I think it’s only fair to include one of his films on this list. I’ll go with my personal favorite by him, Desperado. My family owned this movie on VHS as a kid, and I think I’ve even seen it a few times on laserdisc (yes, I’m old). I’ve probably seen this movie at least ten times, if not more, and I think it still holds up today. It’s just one of those movies that I’m pretty much always in the mood to watch. I think what I like the most about this film is the fact that El Mariachi, the main character, has a really sweet backstory and mythology to him. He has pretty much the perfect motivation to do what he does, i.e. kill a shitload of people in amusing ways. The story and lore of this movie remind me of some of the pulp fiction novels I used to read a lot in my younger days. The action is simply ridiculous, in a good way. Also, I can’t talk about this movie without mentioning how hot Salma Hayek was at this time. Ay mamacita! I hope that made you all cringe.

Well, this has been quite a journey. The ride is coming to an end. I’m a huge Tom Hardy fanboy, so it’s mandatory that I include at least one of his films on this list. The one I decided to go with is The Revenant. While Hardy’s character in this film is essentially a villainous scumbag, I think he’s also pretty metal, as is Leonardo DiCaprio’s character. Perhaps one of the most metal things you can possibly do is get into a fight with a bear, and live to tell the tale. The violence in this movie is brutal, but I think the film also does a pretty good job of displaying what life might have been like on the American frontier. Also, I really like the cinematography and overall ambience of the film. Many of the scenes are haunting, and the sparse dialogue really accentuates that haunting feeling. Shout out to Domhnall Gleeson as well, aka Bill Weasley, for a pretty cool performance and pretty cool facial hair in this flick.

Those are my thoughts on movies that happen to be metal as fuck. I hope you depraved bunch of mother truckers enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Until next time, jabronis. Stay gold.